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Don’t Listen to Terry Pratchett Audiobooks at the Gym

Good Omens Audiobook Saxo

Good Omens Audiobook SaxoI don’t normally listen to audiobooks. I have nothing against audiobooks – hell, I wish I had the attention span to listen to audiobooks, but I’m simply too ADD to pay attention if I don’t actively have to participate in what’s going on. I will listen attentively for about two minutes and then I will start thinking about penguins or something, and before you know it, we’re at chapter 17 and I have no idea what’s going on.

However, I have recently joined a gym.

Don’t worry, I’ve not suddenly become more enamored by health than by laziness. It’s simply getting to be that time again where I’ll soon be going to Poland for another round of Witcher School, and I need to get in shape if I want to survive it with just the tiniest bit of my dignity intact. Anyway, this post is about audiobooks and not exercise.

As mentioned, I don’t normally have the attention span for listening to audiobooks. But the same ADD that makes it hard for me to listen to audiobooks on a normal day also makes being at the gym mentally exhausting. An hour of my mind being idle is far more bothersome than almost killing myself lifting weights. In the past, I have read ebooks on my phone while on the treadmill, but after I realized that the Premium membership I had to my favorite online bookstore also allowed me to listen to audiobooks for free, I figured that might be a better option (it’s hard to scroll through an ebook while lifting weights).

I looked through the selection and found Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. Since I have been wanting to reread that for a while, it seemed like the perfect choice, in case I got distracted and missed parts. It’s easier to keep up when you already know the story.

But I should have considered one thing: Terry Pratchett’s books are really funny, and people who grin while exercising belong in a madhouse.

In my defense I managed to keep it together – until we got to the part where there’s Bohemian Rhapsody lyrics injected in the text and the dignified British narrator suddenly had to go, “Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?”.

To summarize: I’m having more fun at the gym and the instructors are only slightly worried about me.

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Madness and Newspapers

Lokalavisen Favrskov

I found a newspaper in my freezer yesterday.

I have been thinking about that a lot.

Just an entire newspaper, not wrapped around something or anything. There was literally no reason for this newspaper to be there.

Also, I don’t remember putting it there.

So why the hell was there a newspaper in my freezer?

Obviously it has to be me who put it there. I live alone, and while my mom did drop by during the weekend to feed the owl while I was at a convention, I doubt she made a detour to drop the local paper on top of my microwave pizzas. Don’t get me wrong, I do things and forget all about them, just like everyone else. I can’t even count how many times I have frantically searched for my glasses while they were sitting on my nose, or thought I had lost my keys just because I put them in the left pocket on my bag instead of the right. But usually I can understand the instinct that caused me to do those things.

I can’t explain the newspaper.

Did it offend me somehow? Did I think it deserved a worse fate than simply ending its life in the recycling container out by the parking lot? And even so, what exactly did I hope to achieve by exposing it to Arctic conditions?

Maybe I was trying to educate the chickens I keep down there. I’m not going to pretend I never reach a state of insomnia where informed owl food might seem like a good idea.

I have no explanation for the newspaper, but it seems to me that no matter whether you do so consciously or on instinct, putting newspapers in the freezer isn’t a sign of your mind working quite as intended.

Danish newspaper