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Danish Swear Words and Insults 101

Danish swear words

Over the last year, I have, for some reason, ended up teaching people online Danish swear words. On several separate occasions. Not sure how it keeps happening, but now I’m leaning into it.

Time for ‘Michelle’s Guide to Swearing Like a Dane!’

First of, I got to admit that even though Danish has a lot of unique curse words, we have been ruined by American culture, just like just about everyone else. ‘Shit’ and ‘Fuck’ is an integrated part of the vocabulary of anyone above the age of 5 and below the age of 60 (but we’re a lot less sensitive about it. You won’t see our movies get higher ratings just because of cursing, and the dialogue in our reality shows isn’t just a series of beeps).

So a lot of the following words and phrases might not be as commonly used as their English counterparts, especially by the younger generation.

It also means that if you go to Denmark as a British or American person, you’re going to be horrified at how casually we use your dreaded F-word. No matter when I finish and publish this post, I can promise you that my mother will have told me to fuck off within the last month.

(Last time it was because I caught a shiny Pokemon that she didn’t have in Pokemon GO.)

Danish swear words

The Basics

For fanden

Literally: For the Devil

This is a nice versatile one. It’s used in the same way as ‘for fuck’s sake’, but isn’t considered as crass. The milder version is ‘For Søren’, which, considering my uncle’s name is Søren, you would think would be used like ‘For Pete’s sake’, but mostly it’s used in place of ‘Oops’…

‘For fanden’ can be freely substituted with ‘For satan’, but it needs to be said with Danish inflection. Otherwise, it sounds like you’re actually worshipping Satan.

(You can also use ‘For helvede’, meaning ‘For hell’. We’re not picky with the term, as long as it’s clear that your allegiance lies with the guy down-under.)

Fandens også

Literally: The Devil’s also

Variation of ‘For fanden’. Used in the same way as ‘Shit’ or ‘Fuck’.

Fanden tage dig

Literally: The Devil take you

This one is not as commonly used as the two variations above these days, but I just wanted to show how much shit we give the Devil, considering nearly none of us are religious.
It’s probably obvious, but this is used like ‘To hell with you’.

Lort

Literally: Crap

Used like ‘Crap’.

Can be substituted for ‘Pis’ (I’ll let you guys figure that one out).

For Stressing Things

These can not be used on their own, but are often used in front of all kinds of unrelated words to exaggerate them (and add a touch of vulgarity to otherwise innocent statements).

Pisse-

Literally: Pissing

This is another versatile one. It’s used like Brits use ‘bloody’ and Americans use ‘fucking’ when put in front of an adjective. If someone is ‘bloody annoying’, a Dane would call them ‘pisseirriterende’.

Can be substituted for ‘skide-‘.

Sgu

Literally: ? (I have absolutely no idea)

I’m not even sure there’s an English equivalent for this, but I use this word at least 30 times a day. You add it to a sentence after the verb a bit like you would inject ‘actually’; only it’s considered a little bit crude and it’s not a warning that mansplaining is about to happen.

You’d lightly scold a child for using ‘sgu’, but it’s not really considered inappropiate. I use it both at work and when talking to elderly relatives.

Example: ‘Det ser sgu godt ud!’ (‘That actually looks great!)

Insults

Some of these aren’t even considered vulgar, but they’re satisfying nonetheless.

Klaphat

Literally: Clapping hat

This is my favorite. Not because it’s one I use all that often, but because it confuses foreigners who google the term.
Used in place of ‘Idiot’.

(Please go google it.)

Fjols

Literally: Fool

Mild way of calling someone an idiot.

Kraftidiot

Literally: Power idiot

This one is considered more crass, but sometimes you just gotta let a power idiot know they’re acting like a power idiot.

Used like ‘Moron’ or ‘Retard’, but without being an offensive term for people with learning disabilities.

(We got those, too, but I won’t include them. I’m only teaching you terms you can use without being a giant Kraftidiot.)

Røvhul

Literally: Asshole

Used like ‘Asshole’.

Cruder words

Danish also uses words for ‘bitch’, ‘whore’, ‘pig’ and a variety of sexual slurs for swearing, but they’re mostly used by teenagers and people who got dropped on their head as children, so I’m not going to teach them to you. I prefer my cursing to have a certain amount of dignity.

So see you later, klaphatte!

 

 

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Madness and Newspapers

Lokalavisen Favrskov

I found a newspaper in my freezer yesterday.

I have been thinking about that a lot.

Just an entire newspaper, not wrapped around something or anything. There was literally no reason for this newspaper to be there.

Also, I don’t remember putting it there.

So why the hell was there a newspaper in my freezer?

Obviously it has to be me who put it there. I live alone, and while my mom did drop by during the weekend to feed the owl while I was at a convention, I doubt she made a detour to drop the local paper on top of my microwave pizzas. Don’t get me wrong, I do things and forget all about them, just like everyone else. I can’t even count how many times I have frantically searched for my glasses while they were sitting on my nose, or thought I had lost my keys just because I put them in the left pocket on my bag instead of the right. But usually I can understand the instinct that caused me to do those things.

I can’t explain the newspaper.

Did it offend me somehow? Did I think it deserved a worse fate than simply ending its life in the recycling container out by the parking lot? And even so, what exactly did I hope to achieve by exposing it to Arctic conditions?

Maybe I was trying to educate the chickens I keep down there. I’m not going to pretend I never reach a state of insomnia where informed owl food might seem like a good idea.

I have no explanation for the newspaper, but it seems to me that no matter whether you do so consciously or on instinct, putting newspapers in the freezer isn’t a sign of your mind working quite as intended.

Danish newspaper

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No Seeing Eye Dog For Me

Selfie Eyes

My LASIK surgery on Monday went well, and as such I won’t get that big fluffy seeing eye dog my friends promised me in case I went blind.

I guess I just have to accept my working eyes as a consolation price.

This post is my first time using a PC since the surgery (I can’t believe I have gone nearly an entire week without using my computer and I don’t even feel like I’m losing my mind…) and while the doctors claim it’s okay, I think I will give it a few more days before sitting in front of a screen again.

And it’s not just because I’m slightly terrified of how many emails and social media notifications have accumulated while I’ve been away…

I figure that as long as I have to tape plastic shields over my eyes and look like this while I’m sleeping, I can argue that I’m still not well enough for screen time:

LASIK Plastic Shields

I’ll be ready to star in Silent Hill any day now…

But seriously, even though my sight is still not completely stable, it feels amazing not having to wear glasses. Or, at least it will, once I stop reaching for said glasses everytime I notice I’m not wearing them.

An 18-year old habit like that isn’t all that easy to break.

Also, I once had a friend see me without glasses and then uttering the following line:

“Wow, you got beautiful eyes! …But your face looks weird.”

I gave him shit for that for a long time, but looking in the mirror now, I hate to admit that he was right… My face looks weird and I can’t get used to it.

I do have gorgeous eyes, though.

Selfie Eyes

I’m not sure if my eyes were always this sparkly (I haven’t seen them clearly in nearly two decades, after all) or if it’s just the excessive eye dropping that’s going on these days, but I needed no weird filters to achieve this look.

(Also, it’s so much easier to take selfies when you can actually see something and there’s no weird reflections in your glasses.)

Now me and my weird face will go back to watching Netflix and HBO, and eating my way through my rapidly diminishing stash of snacks, while enjoying that I’m banned from doing physical labor for another week and as such no one can complain about all my gardening not getting done. Doctor’s orders.

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Spoilers Galore – Thoughts on Game of Thrones S8E3, the Battle of Winterfell

Game of Thrones Drogon Battle of Winterfell

Spoilers. So, so many spoilers.

I’m not kidding. If you haven’t watched season 8 episode 3 ‘The Long Night’ and you’re seeing a preview of this – Don’t click on it. If you have already clicked – Get out of here!

Unless, of course, you want to have a really epic Game of Thrones episode spoiled for you instead of just watching it yourself.

Then I guess I can’t stop you.

If you have watched the episode: We need to discuss it in the comment section. Read the post, don’t read the post – we’re talking about this.

If you want to hear my random, disjointed thoughts, I have written another stream of consciousness like I did for ‘Winterfell‘ and ‘A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms‘. Keep scrolling.

Game of Thrones Battle of Winterfell Dracarys


Fire Bitch is Back!

Melisandre’s presence usually means nothing but trouble (of the ‘burning children for no good reason’ variety), but she actually seems to be useful this time around!

It puzzled me why the army wasn’t carrying torches, considering fire is the one surefire (haha, get it?) way to deal with these undead bastards, but apparently they were all just waiting around for a certain redhead to turn up and light their swords on fire.

So, yeah… useful. But I still don’t blame Davos his “Oh, shit”-expression when he realizes he has to let her in.

Why Can’t These Guys Have Their Fight in the Daylight?!

Obviously, I have already answered my own question above – Melisandre’s fireshow wouldn’t have been as epic during the day, but I’m watching during the day and I can’t see a thing. I’m not getting blackout curtains just because the Night King suddenly thinks he’s a vampire and can’t handle sunlight.

I know, I know, Night King, but he’s been perfectly happy showing up in all his pale, blue-eyed glory under equally blue skies before.

Melisandre Staring at Someone Never Bodes Well

I know you’re tough, Arya, but you’re not fireproof. I would discreetly move somewhere out of sight.

Chaaaaaaaaarge!

…Okay, that didn’t go well.

“We Need Dragon Support!”

Seriously, why even bother with the damn army? If the dragon barbeque doesn’t do the trick, you guys are screwed anyway.

Oh, First Casualty…

Poor Edd.

Here’s hoping they don’t zombify you.

It’s All Sunshine and Rainbows in the Crypt

First of… Does this crypt have another exit? Am I the only one uncomfortable by all the vulnerable people being stuffed into a stone tomb where they can’t escape if the enemy breaches the defenses?

No? Okay, then.

Sansa and Varys are both totally embracing their new home and spreading just about as much cheer as the dead people around them. Tyrion is still believing he can actually do something besides becoming zombie food, and Missandei is just fed up with everyone’s shit.

What the Hell are Dany and Jon Doing?

Why are you just flapping around up there?

Turn around and roast some goddamn zombies!

Wait… Where is Ghost?!

Jorah came back from the failed charge, but I just realized Ghost wasn’t with him.

Where is Ghost?!

Screw the Night King, everybody needs to be looking for the doggy RIGHT NOW.

Okay, Jaime Did Actually Punch A Wight in the Face…

After the first episode of the season, a friend on Twitter suggested that Jaime should have a hand made from dragonglass. I jokingly asked, “What is he supposed to do with that? Punch zombies in the face?”

I take it all back. Somehow… it works.

If Anyone Important Dies, I’ll Probably Miss It

Still can’t see a thing on this screen.

I’m just going to find someone else’s recap later and figure out who died.

Oh, So That’s Why Arya was Trending on Twitter!

Everyone’s just getting tackled by wights left and wight, half the big tough characters are pissing their pants, and Arya is a one-woman army, making good use of her fancy new Baratheon-forged spear.

“You can’t beat death!”
“Tell her that!”

(Proofread edit: I swear the “left and wight”-typo wasn’t intentional, but I’ll be damned if I’m not leaving it in now.)

Lyanna Mormont, Tiny Badass to the End

As much as I want to rage about Lyanna being killed off, it’s hard when she took a fucking undead giant down with her, all the while screaming like a banshee.

The scene was just too perfect an end to the character for me to be truly mad about it.

Beric Dondarrion is the Real Hero Here

I really hope Dondarrion doesn’t die. Permanently, I mean. Not because he’s particularly important, but I can only actually see what’s going on when he’s around with his handy flaming sword.

(…and literally 10 seconds after I wrote that note down, Dondarrion was tackled by wights and stabbed to death.)

Okay, So the Night King is Fireproof

That can’t be good.

(Also, he’s so obviously a Targaryen. Targaryen symbolism all over the place, dragon-riding skills and fireproof skin. I have read 5 books and 3 short stories that all hammered into my skull that those last two were the main traits of a Targaryen.)

But What are His Clothes Made From…?

I understand that no one wants to see a butt-naked Night King, but I do think it’s a little unfair that Daenerys had to lose all her clothing after taking a fire bath, while Blue Guy’s armor isn’t even singed.

…Holy Shit Zombies!

I did not see Wight Lyanna Mormont coming!

But Everyone Called the Dead Starks in the Crypt Waking Up…

…yet it was somehow still shocking.

Bran is Just Chilling While Everyone’s Dying

Good thing Theon’s grown some balls (we all know he needs them), because Bran’s just sleeping through the whole battle.

Meanwhile, Jorah is dying defending his queen, as we all knew he would. Brienne and Jaime are being overrun by wights side by side, Jon is playing tag with Viserion, Sansa and Tyrion are finally coming to an understanding that would have been a lot more useful back when they were actually married, Varys is surprisingly still alive, and the Night King is pretending he’s in a gangster movie.

Then there’s a lot of staring in slow-motion…

…and then Arya comes flying out of nowhere and stabs the Night King.

 

Okay, Final Death Count

I saw Edd, Lyanna, Dondarrion, Theon, Jorah and Melisandre as the major casualties, but again, I couldn’t actually see anything most of the time.

I’m watching it again after nightfall, so I might lose another 5 named characters then.

And, of course, there’s literal heaps of dead minor characters everywhere. Glad I’m not cleaning that one up.

(Also, I love how Melisandre just dies. No one’s even trying to kill her or anything.)

Game of Thrones Melisandre Necklace Battle for Winterfell

But more importantly:
Where’s Ghost?!

 

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Here Be Spoilers – Continuing My Game of Thrones Commentary with Season 8 Episode 2

Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 2 Brienne Jaime

I was asked for another commentary post after I covered “Winterfell” last week. And who am I to refuse the three people in the world who actually appreciate my sense of humor?

So here’s my random thoughts on Season 8, Episode 2: “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms”.

You know the drill, guys: This is now spoiler territory. I won’t spoil anything on social media, but once I have filled out the part of this post that will show up in various previews, all bets are off. Which also means that I would love to discuss the episode in the comments, since I can’t do so on Twitter or Facebook (hint, hint)!

Have everyone who doesn’t want to be spoiled left?

…Hey, you! Get out of here!

I think that’s all of them. Let’s begin!

Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 2 Brienne Jaime

“The Things We Do For Love”

I adore Jaime, but I still enjoyed how quickly Bran made all his bravado drain away.

Also: The duo of Kingslayer and Wench is back! I can’t stress enough how much I love Jaime and Brienne’s messed-up friendship and I’m glad they get a chance to truly be on the same side for once.

Daenerys is a Grade A B-I-T-C-H This Season

The Mother of Dragons have always been more arrogant than I’d consider good for her (or anyone else), but she’s really upping her game in season 8.

Arya is Scary (and Gendry’s Totally Into That)

I couldn’t quite decide if it was bedroom eyes or a “I’m gonna kill you and carry your face around in my handbag”-look Arya kept giving Gendry (though I probably got my answer later), but either way, I think the kid should be scared.

But the look he is giving her after she throws those daggers is definitely not one of fear…

If there was any doubt they were flirting after last episode… I think it’s gone now.

Bran, the Voice of Reason

“You won’t be able to help in this fight if I let them murder you first.”

Thanks, Bran, I think you made Jaime feel right at ease. If not, the cheery exchange that followed, “What about afterwards?” “How do you know there is an afterwards?” must have brightened the mood!

Sorry, Jaime, but you had way worse things than Bran’s brutal honesty coming to you.

Tyrion’s Outfit is Fabulous

Can we just talk about Tyrion rocking the Targaryen fashion for a second?

Everyone is Giving Jaime Grief (Except Brienne)

This episode might as well have been called “Everyone Confronting Jaime About All the Awful Shit He’s Done”, but I see how that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.

First there’s Daenerys talking about how Jaime killed her father. Though I think we’re all, including Jaime, okay with that one.

Then he has to face Bran, the boy he tried to kill and instead crippled by throwing him out a window, and Bran’s calm reason hits so much harder than anger would.

(The kid’s really good at making people feel judged without openly judging them, isn’t he…?)

Then he turns to his brother, Tyrion, who doesn’t hold any punches when he tells Jaime that Cersei never fooled him (Jaime) and that he always knew what she was. Ouch!

Brienne, on the other hand, totally goes against tradition and doesn’t verbally (and, let’s be honest, physically) abuse Jaime. What has the world come to? No wonder everyone else has to pick up the slack!

Did anyone count how many times we got to see Jaime Lannister looking like a kicked puppy?

We should make it a drinking game.

Jaime Being Polite to Brienne is Downright Creepy

I had just thought the thought that Jaime being all courteous to Brienne was sort of horrifying when Brienne herself stopped dead in her tracks and exclaimed, “What are you doing? We have never had a conversation this long without you insulting me. Not once.”

As always, Brienne doesn’t take his crap.

But I must admit, Jaime saying he would be honored to fight under Brienne’s command was incredibly sweet.

(Now get back to insulting each other. It’s how things are supposed to be!)

Daenerys and Sansa Together Would Be an Unstoppable Force

I think it might be a good thing they can’t stand each other. If they only got along, they could be ruling the seven kingdoms within a week and all the guys would be screwed.

Sansa and Theon… Just ‘Aww’

If anyone had told me in season 1 that I would have gone ‘aww, they’re so sweet’ over Theon Greyjoy and Sansa Stark, I would have laughed in their face. But the bonds between the Northerner characters in these later seasons are enough to melt even my cynical heart.

Now, if only Jon would stop screwing it up…

Davos and Gilly, the Unsung Heroes

First of: Why the hell is Davos devoted to canteen lady…?

Second, these people don’t appreciate Gilly enough. She might be an uneducated, inbred wildling girl, but she’s smarter than all of them.

Tormund, Getting His Priorities Straight

“Yeah, there’s dead people everywhere, so everyone not here will be fighting for the Night King now, yadayadayada… Is the big woman still here?”

Oh, Tormund, you adorable horndog.

(Brienne’s face when Tormund turns to look at her and goes, “At least we die together” is priceless.)

Bonding at Its Finest

Ed, Jon and Sam talking smack to each other while waiting for the battle was hilarious. Nearly as good as the brotherly bonding between Tyrion and Jaime, just before they’re joined by Brienne, Pod, Davos and Tormund, all trying to warm their asses at the fire.

Except Tormund, of course, who’s just trying to show off in front of Brienne. And failing horribly.

And then there’s the Hound, Arya and Beric Dondarrion, and the sermon only avoided by the Hound, ever so eloquently, going, “The Lord of Light is going to wonder why he bothered to bring you back 19 times just to watch you die when I chuck you over this fucking wall.”

It’s all just so sweet.

Fuck Tradition

Okay, fuck dragons, fuck undead armies. Jaime knighting Brienne was everything I didn’t know I wanted from this series.

That scene was bloody brilliant and so incredibly touching, and that can only mean one or both of them are going to die a horrible death in the next episode.

Podrick, the Troubadour

I suppose we should have seen the signs, but Pod is totally a Disney prince.

Game of Thrones Podrick Season 8 Episode 2


All in all, this episode was just beautiful (and no one died! Can you imagine?) and I can only take that to mean that the next 4 episodes will be one horrible and gruesome tragedy after another.

This is Game of Thrones. If they give me an episode that makes me laugh and warms my heart at the same time, something truly awful is waiting just around the corner…

Let me hear your thoughts! (If at least some of them aren’t about Jaime and Brienne and the knighting, I’m disowning all of you.)