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Eh, Spoilers – Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 5

Game of Thrones Ballista The Bells

Spoilers for Game of Thrones season 8, episode 5: “The Bells”

You will all be pleased to hear that because this episode had no scenes that touched or impressed me at all, this week’s commentary won’t contain hype or fangirling. Instead it will have turned fully back to my trademark Snark, Sarcasm and Randomness.

(And you all know I do that better than joy.)

So here you have my thoughts as they appeared in my head while watching the episode. One of these days I might do a proper review, but this is not that day. You’ll have to make do with the unedited transcript of my brain.

Game of Thrones Ballista The Bells

You Know Your Commentary is Going to be Boring When…

…your first thought is, “Huh… Varys’ handwriting looks a lot like my own.”

Years of Being an Asshole is Coming Back to Haunt You, Varys

I kept thinking “Why is no one listening to Varys?!”… Then I remembered that he has spent all the other seasons lying and manipulating, and not really making himself out to be the kind of person you can trust the opinions of.

Oh Sure, Like We Didn’t See This One Coming

Did anyone honestly think Daenerys wasn’t going to burn Varys alive at some point?  He basically had “barbeque appetizer” written on the forehead ever since that very first meeting Dany held on Westeros soil.

“Far More People in Westeros Love You Than Love Me”

Maybe that’s because all you have done since you arrived is to burn people?!

Seriously, what happened to the Daenerys Targaryen who gained the love of people by freeing them from slavery instead of just feeling entitled to their love?

Arya Knows How to Make an Entrance

“Where you going?”

“I’m Arya Stark. I’m going to kill Queen Cersei.”

…And that’s when the poor Golden Company guard made the choice of smart low-level employees everywhere and went to get the manager.

The Stupidest Lannister(s)

Did someone drop both of the Lannister brothers on their heads (repeatedly) sometime between episodes? By now, they should know that negotiating with Cersei is a lost cause, but for some reason they keep trying.

Also, Jaime believing there’s a place for him with Cersei and Tyrion believing Daenerys might not burn him alive for releasing his brother shows they have both become much dumber in the span of just a few episodes.

And why hasn’t Jaime put a glove over that stupid hand yet? Seems like the obvious solution if you want to hide being down one real hand.

Not sure when Lannister took the prize as the dumbest of the houses, but with Tywin and Kevan gone, the collective brain power can apparently be beaten by a single dim-witted chihuahua.

That Being Said…

Last time we had a scene like this between the Lannister brothers, Tyrion went and killed their father, so let’s just assume Jaime will get his head out of his ass and kill their sister.

Okay, Cersei Has Surprisingly Good Taste in Siege Weaponry

Those lion-head ballistae are awesome.

Funny Time to Introduce a New Character

Disregarding how Jaime took my advice about the glove, then took it off just to show off his golden hand while walking through the city where everyone will know who owns it (what is even the point of the hood, dude?) and how the Golden Company guard apparently let Arya and the Hound in after Arya said she wanted to kill Cersei…

…am I the only one who thinks it’s a bit strange that the man in charge of King’s Landing’s defenses in the last season is a guy we have seen once (briefly) before? Couldn’t the guy have gotten a little more screen time earlier, so we know if he’s an asshole or not?

If he’s going to die an awful death in 30 minutes, I would like to know whether I should be happy about it.

Aaaaaand… He’s Dead

That didn’t take long.

Turns out his biggest achievement was making it onto one of the sneak preview photos for the episode.

(That’s what you get for not bringing any elephants.)

Cersei, What Are You Planning…?

I don’t like Cersei doing nothing. Cersei doing nothing usually means something horrible is about to happen to people that don’t deserve it…

Destruction All Around

Really, Dany, if you intend to move in… maybe don’t destroy all of the furniture.

You Guys Made the Right Choice

It’s a lovely moment when you see all the Lannister soldiers simultanously think the thought, “Cersei’s not worth this.”

What the Shit, People?!

One thing is Dany going ape-shit and slaughtering people after the city has surrendered, but Grey Worm and everyone else?!

I mean, I liked Missandei too, but has her death really turned everyone’s personality around 180 degrees to where murdering innocent people is totally okay?

Really? Really?

If Jaime dies while wrestling Euron Greyjoy over who gets to be abused by Cersei, just in case she survives, I’m going to be slightly miffed.

Euron Greyjoy, Creepy to the End

I had hoped for Euron to die from someone breaking a jar of wildfire on his genitals (or something similar), but I’ll take what I can get.

Plot Twist: Arya’s the Sane One

When the girl who cuts off people’s faces and wear them as her own is the one acting sensible… you know you’re all screwed.

Clegane Bowl is On

And that will teach you not to make zombie giants, Qyburn! Seriously, how did you think that was going to end?

I must say, though: Gregor’s face – not as horrifying as I thought it would be.

Does This Dragon Never Run Out of Fuel?

Shouldn’t there be a point where the worst of Daenerys’ mental breakdown/temper tantrum begins to cool down? Right now, the killing of King’s Landing’s citizens seems almost methodical rather than random rage-fueled destruction…

Gore and Dust Everywhere

Wouldn’t it be quite a surprise if Arya ended up dying from lung cancer caused by inhaling asbestos…?

This Episode is All Kinds of Messed-Up

How the hell did they make Cersei the most likeable character in this episode…?

I couldn’t even be mad that I didn’t get to see Jaime kill her in the end.

And Where the Hell Did This Horse Come From?!

There’s no way everyone’s dead, expect from Arya and one worryingly calm horse. What kind of twisted Disney-shit is this?!

Okay, so… I’m probably going to need some time to digest this.

What are your thoughts on this episode? Did it make any sense to you…?

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Spoilers, Y’all – Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 4

Game of Thrones Tyrion The Last of the Starks

Today’s Game of Thrones post is a little delayed, because my mom insisted on coming by and celebrating my birthday.

Pfft, who cares about that when there’s a new GoT episode waiting?

Anyway, you know the drill: This post includes spoilers for season 8, episode 4 “The Last of the Starks”, so stop reading if you intend to see the episode and haven’t yet.

Okay, time for all the random, disjointed thoughts I had during this week’s episode:

Game of Thrones The Last of the Starks

Well, This is Depressing

Seeing people grieve the dead will always feel much worse to me than simply seeing them die.

Damn it, Game of Thrones, I try to make these commentaries funny and you’re giving me nothing to work with.

Also, good on you, Sam, for burning Edd like you promised… after there’s no longer any chance of him getting zombified.

Dany, Do You Want to Make Everyone Hate You?

Seriously, what did Gendry do?! Why are you trying to make him piss his pants in public before you get to the point and legitimize him as well as grant him a lordship?

If you want a pretty new pawn to manipulate, you don’t need to point out how the father of said pawn murdered your family.

(I seriously didn’t hate Daenerys before this season, and I want to root for the strong female leaders so badly, but it’s becoming more and more difficult…)

Davos, Your Dialogue is Pure Poetry

“Lord of Light. We play his game for him, we fight his war and win, and then… he fucks off.”

This has got to be the best description of religion ever.

I need everyone to be just a bit more like Davos.

Bran… You’re Creepy

Not really much to add here.

Booze Will Solve Everything

Jaime and Tyrion playing drinking games with Brienne was just what I needed.

But Tormund needs to stop gesturing so much while telling stories. You’re spilling precious beer, man!

At Least Tormund Doesn’t Let a Broken Heart Get Him Down For Long

Jaime wins the night’s battle for Brienne’s attention, simply by being seated closer to the door, and Tormund goes to sob on the Hound’s shoulder. Luckily for the Hound, some Northern girl offers to cheer up the wildling and Tormund decides that it’s time to move on. It’s been an entire five minutes, after all.

Gendry, Slow Down, Mate!

You have gone from passive flirting to “I love you, marry me and come live with me in the castle I just got 10 minutes ago!” in the span of 24 hours.

There’s such a thing as coming on too strong, dude.

Love is in the Air

Are they trying to cater to shippers of every single pairing in this episode?

Because I’m strangely okay with that.

In the past, I have been just fine with Jaime and Brienne having a platonic friendship, because they were awesome together like that, but Drunk Jealous Jaime is all kinds of adorable. This has got to be the cutest romantic scene in the entire show.

…Gods save me, I’m turning into a fangirl.

Damn It, Dany

People are being cute. Go be gloomy somewhere else.

Also, Jon: That whole aunt-nephew thing… You’re just not going to address that…?

Stark Family Meeting

Last Stark family meeting about a King of the North choosing the wrong girl resulted in the Red Wedding, so I have great hopes for the outcome of this one.

I’m So Glad Tyrion Gets to be Funny Again in This Season

“Do you know how long I have waited to tell tall person jokes?”

It’s sweet that Tyrion is happy about Jaime and Brienne… even if it’s just because he’s now not the only Lannister dwarfed by his girlfriends.

However the quote “To climbing mountains” have a completely wrong meaning if you consider that there’s actually still a ‘living’ character nicknamed The Mountain…


Enter Ser Bronn with a Crossbow

I love how Tyrion is more surprised at seeing Bronn without a drink than seeing him at Winterfell at all, and Jaime is the only one wondering why he’s aiming a crossbow at them.

Seriously, what’s in the beer in this place…?

Why Don’t Ghost Get a Hug?!

Everyone gets hugs, but Ghost is just being abandoned by Jon with a quick glance?

As a lifelong dog owner, I cannot abide this!


Finally, someone brings up the aunt-thing. And it’s Varys, of all people. Right now, he sounds a lot like early-seasons Tyrion.

You know, the one who’s realistic about people and tries to plan ahead for an impending war-causing temper tantrum.

It’s not comforting that Tyrion’s best-case scenario is, “Maybe Cersei will win and kill us all. That would solve our problems.”

Oh, Hey Cersei!

I think someone’s mad at having been overlooked this season…

“I Don’t Think a Cock is a True Qualification”

Preaching to the choir, Tyrion. Preaching to the choir.

Damn It, Jaime…

All the shit you have said to Brienne over the years, and THIS is what finally makes her cry.

You better make good on your drama and murder your sister after this.

Qyburn and Tyrion Chatting

The Hand of Daenerys and the Hand of Cersei are facing off against each other and no one uses the phrase “Talk to the Hand”?


Talk about missed opportunities.



Missandei didn’t deserve this. But bizarrely, there’s something reassuring about being back to good old-fashioned beheading instead of being murdered by dragons and undead and undead dragons and all that.

Game of Thrones Tyrion The Last of the Starks

That’s all for now. If you’re interested, you can read my stupid commentaries for “Winterfell”, “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms” and “The Long Night” as well.


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I Signed Up for Witcher School… Again

LARP Sword Witcher Medallion

LARP Sword Witcher Medallion

I have always been a very cheap person. The only thing I ever voluntarily spend a lot of money are PCs, and even then, I’m currently keeping the lid on my laptop together with laundry clamps because it goes against everything I believe in to replace a fully-functioning laptop, just because it happens to be falling apart.

So when I decided to sign up for Witcher School and go to Poland, I spent a lot of time telling myself that it was worth the expense because it would be a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

As you will no doubt know if you have been following my blog posts, I just got home from this once-in-a-lifetime experience less than a month ago.

And less than an hour ago Witcher School released the tickets for another LARP event in October. I already bought mine.

Once-in-a-lifetime, my ass…

It’s not even the follow-up to the event I went to in April, but instead the first episode in a brand new season. Apparently, the individual events are part of seasons where each episode continues the story from the last one. And these seasons have 6-7 episodes, roughly one a year.

The event I went to in April was episode 5 of a season. Meaning that I have 2 episodes left of that one, then 7 of the season I just signed up for.

I might as well move to Poland.

Not to mention I had planned to dedicate 2019 to working on my books, so I could get both my new book and the new editions of the old ones released. I was so certain I would have them all done with lots of time to spare before the summer convention season.

But I’m not even close to being done. From January to April, my sole focus was preparing for Witcher School (but it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience, so it was okay, right?), which, for one thing, meant I spend a lot of time exercising. It’s no wonder so many writers take up drinking instead. Being healthy does not leave you a lot of time to get work done.

If I end up going to Witcher School twice a year from now on, I will never get anything else done.

I’m just going to put all the blame on Andrzej Sapkowski and CD Projekt Red and call it a day.

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Weird Ways I Injure Myself

Owl Bite

I’m quite good at getting hurt.

Don’t worry, I don’t do it on purpose!

I do all the standard things – stubbing my toes against doors, falling down stairs, slamming drawers shut on my fingers – but mostly people get an answer they didn’t expect when they ask, “What did you do to your hand?” or “Where did you get that bruise?”

Let’s start with the most common cause of injury:

The Dangers of Super Glue

I use a LOT of super glue, so you would think I would have learned something by now, but alas… I still accidentally glue myself to everything. When crafting cosplays or doing other weird hobby projects, I always manage to attach myself to something: Tables, laptops, myself, and a few times even unfortunate con-goers while doing emergency fixes at my author table.

But getting super glue all over your hands is something you get used to. It only stings slightly and burns through a couple layers of skin. And who really needs fingerprints?

Never mind that I have trouble navigating touchscreens for a few days.

Yep, getting super glue on your hands is not a big deal.

Absentmindedly biting your nail before the glue on it is completely dry and getting super glue on your tongue…?

Nooooope. Not a good idea.

As I said, super glue burns. A burned patch on the surface of your tongue feels both unpleasant and weird.

But the worst thing is really that this has happened to me on at least four different occasions and I’m not getting any smarter…

Super Glue Loctite

Burn, Baby, Burn

I once sat in a staff meeting, paying absolutely no attention to what was being said, and looked down at my arm before wondering, “Where did that burn mark come from?”

I eventually came to the conclusion that it must have happened when I knocked my heat gun over 3 days earlier and I simply hadn’t noticed.

That’s how often I accidentally burn myself. It just doesn’t register half the time.

As a kid and teenager, I mostly did it by being careless while maintaining the wood stove at my parents’ place or burning myself when taking stuff out of the oven. Lately, however, most of my burns are caused by cosplay. I work a lot with a material called Worbla, which is a kind of thermoplastic, meaning I have to heat it up to use it. The burns I get from handling the material itself are insignificant (like with the super glue, it mostly just burns the fingertips and they’re kind of numb by this point), but as shown with the example above, the heat gun can be rather dangerous. The top of it remains searing hot for a long time, so it’s very important to put it somewhere you won’t accidentally bump into it.

I also recently experimented with a variation of Worbla called Crystal Art. I literally wrote instructions for a webshop selling this stuff, instructions that focus on how Crystal Art’s melting point is a lot higher than ordinary Worbla, and as such SHOULDN’T BE HANDLED WITHOUT GLOVES.

…Guess who heated up a big lump and then just stuck her whole thumb into it?

And that’s how I ended up running around with a bag of frozen kebab wrapped around my thumb for a few hours that day.

Heat Gun Worbla Crystal Art

Other Geeky Casualties

As you can tell, I really wouldn’t get injured all that much if I wasn’t a geek. Cosplay is a dangerous hobby, and not just in the crafting phase. I have lost count of how many times I have stabbed myself (and others, but who cares about them?) with a spiky pauldron or helmet. Once, I accidentally hit myself in the head with a prop Gorehowl I nicked from a friend (and I hope he doesn’t read this blog, because he would never let me live it down).

Lately, I also returned to doing a bit of LARP’ing when I went to Witcher School in Poland. They taught us fencing and archery, let us throw around sharp axes, taught us how to make fire with a knife and steel, and had us fight huge monsters, so honestly it’s amazing that I didn’t lose a leg or set my hair on fire. I even only got ONE bruise and that was not my fault, as I got tackled by a striga.

Which just makes it more embarrassing how much I have injured myself with the wolf medallion they gave me… Turns out that if you’re lying on your couch, playing around with a spiky medallion made of pure metal and then drops it on your collarbone… It hurts. I also discovered I was getting bruised along my ribs from where the medallion was bouncing against my body through thin t-shirts while wearing it all day.

Cosplay Pauldron Witcher Medallion

And Then, Of Course… the Owl

It wouldn’t be a true Louringnese blog post if it bore no mention of Artemis, the Feathery Terror.

This tiny owl usually only bites me (when out in the public, he’s the perfect gentleman), but he can do an impressive amount of damage if you let him get his beak into the skin between your thumb and index finger.

There have also been a few cases of poor navigation, and there’s really no way to prepare yourself for an owl suddenly colliding with your face.

Owl Bite

I don’t know why I just did a whole post about how accident-prone I am. Maybe I should do a post about something I’m good at?

I’ll let you know when I figure out what that is.

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Witcher School Withdrawals

Carlsberg Beer Witcher Medallion

Getting back to real life has been tough.

I think I dodged the Post-Game Depression I know to be common among Witcher School graduates, but that might just be because I haven’t fully let go of being a witcher just yet.

I had expected the constant thoughts analyzing the stories and characters I encountered at Moszna Castle. I even expected insisting on wearing my Wolf School medallion to work every day, even though it stands out in a consultant office and constantly knocks stuff over on my desk whenever I reach for something, like a small canine-shaped wrecking ball.

But I didn’t expect to be unconsciously practicing fencing pirouettes in the office bathroom. Or sitting at my desk at 7:30 in the morning, going through emails and suddenly thinking, “I should be at morning workout.”

I’m a lazy person. I like doing nothing and not moving all day.

So why am I itching to swing a sword? I wasn’t even good at it!

I even miss all the yelling.

I hate people raising their voice. Usually, nothing makes me angrier than someone thinking they need, or even have the right, to yell at me.

Now I can’t get used to how softly everyone are speaking when addressing me.

The other day, I found myself reaching for one of the beers I bought for a party more than a year ago and which is still standing in my fridge.

I had to remind myself that I had only been drinking a lot of beer in Poland because my character liked it. If I had liked it, it wouldn’t still be in the damn fridge.

Carlsberg Beer Witcher Medallion

Witcher School lasted 3 days. I’m convinced you shouldn’t be acting like this unless you got used to something over several months, at least…

If I start missing Pebbles the Earth Elemental, promise you’ll all stage an intervention for me.